Manuel Antonio Hernandez says that his faith in God and the hope that soon things will change and get better for everyone is what keeps standing. He has been living on the streets of Downtown Los Angeles, tolerating endless abuses, humiliations, health risks and even life-threatening situations.
"While living on the streets, many unpleasant and dangerous things have happened to me," the 39-year-old immigrant from El Salvador says. "I've slept under trees, among bushes, near the church at Placita Olvera, and under freeways — and that was how I got sick a short time ago. It was terrible, because I came down with a big fever."
Hernandez says the fever came nearly a month ago and left him weak and even dizzy before he received some help.
"Some friends on the street gave me medicine that helped me recover," Hernandez adds. "Here on the street, you're subjected to everything. You're exposed to the night cold and serious dangers that can endanger your life."
Many individuals who live on the streets carry weapons, he says, while some others are under the influence of drugs or are mentally ill.
"One night a person on drugs came up to me and some other people who were all sleeping in the same place on the street, and he wanted to hit us," he says. "Another time, a man suddenly appeared with a firearm and almost wanted to kill us, but fortunately he left and nothing happened."
Hernandez seems slightly sad and bothered at the same time while recounting such incidents.
"Another night, while we were sleeping [a man] urinated on us just to be mean," he says. "All this has taught me to always be on the alert and watch out for myself more."
He said that sometimes when the police go by them, they ask if everything is all right. But, he added, that only happens areas such as the grounds around the Placita Olvera, where there is more public safety.
And the attention from police officers can also lead to evictions.
"Since there are more problems now, because a lot of kids who like drugs have come around, they sell it and buy it, the police have become more diligent," he says. "The authorities got very angry and they don't want anybody sleeping in those areas because those people drank and fought."
Hernandez said that sometimes city workers take the sheets and other meager belongings of the homeless and from the street and throw them in the garbage.
"The police also bother you. They don't like it when you sleep in the green areas or under the freeways," he says. "The authorities are always kicking us out of public places where you try to spend the night — they tell us it's prohibited."
Hernandez says his recent experiences have been part of a downward cycle that started when he lost his job and a stable income.
"We are at risk, because we don't have work or money to rent a place to live," he adds, "and with the rainy season coming soon, we look for those places (under the freeways), because we try to shelter ourselves."
Hernandez says that he thanks God for being well, for not having addictions. He acknowledges that he sometimes feels deeply sad and depressed, but adds that his faith and hopes help him to keep fighting to get ahead.
"I feel super bad," he says. "I get so frustrated and desperate when I think that another day is coming, and then another. Imagine, I've been like this for a year."
Hernandez says he often asks for direction.
"I say: 'What should I do, my God?' he says. "And I've stood up and sat down sometimes in parks or under a tree and reflected on how this is going to change."
He says his faith helps, but he still fears that he could go insane — lose all sense of reality as he spends so much time thinking about his situation and how to get out of it.
"What can happen is that one can go crazy from the desperation, and in order to prevent it and keep my mind busy with other things," he says. "I get books — I carry them in my backpack, also the Bible. I carry a small radio and I listen to music. I look for things to distract me so my mind won't get filled with bad things. It was my decision to come to this country and look for a better life for myself and my family. and I'm still trying."
Hernandez says his job has taken him well beyond Downtown, with trips to the San Fernando Valley made possible by the help of friends and bus tokens provided by the social action ministry of Our Lady of the Angels church.
Those efforts have ended in disappointment and even more difficult circumstances, Hernandez says.
"One time we ended up there at night and had to spend the night there," he adds. "We were very tired and we had no money. And we were so hungry that we couldn't stand our stomachs, so we ate food and sodas that people leave in the trash cans. Out of necessity we have had to do it on various occasions in order to be able to subsist."
For now, Hernandez says, he works at picking up plastic bottles and soda cans that he takes recycling centers, earning anywhere from $20 to $40 a day. He goes to missions and shelters to bathe, sometimes waiting with 60 or 70 others for a chance in the shower.
Hernandez says his nightmare existence began a year ago.
"The problem was the recession that caused personnel cuts at the company where I worked, and then the federal government imposed rules to prevent hiring undocumented workers," he says.
That ended his job at a company on the Eastside that manufactures cold cuts to supply stores and supermarkets.
"We never thought that this would happen," he says. "First, it was the economic crisis that made me lose my job a year ago. Then, the law came down. That has affected me very much because since then, I started looking for work with agencies and companies and the answer I get is no and no, and they hardly pay attention to you, and in other places they slam the door in your face. They just tell me it's going to get better, it's going to get better — and I haven't been able to get anything yet."
Hernandez says he soon could not afford the rent anymore on the one-bedroom apartment that he rented with two other men.
"The problem is that as long as you don't find work, time keeps going and you're renting, the rent keeps increasing," he says. "And where you're renting, they don't want to even open the door or give you a tortilla, until they kick you out because you can't pay the rent."
Hernandez soon ended up at the Mission Dolores Proyecto Guadalupano, which offers help to the homeless.
"I lived there for three months, the amount of time they give you shelter and food for." he says, but still can't find work. The day labor centers have little work, he says, and employment agencies are scared and checking documents to see if they workers are legal."
Hernandez is not — but he's still faithful and hopeful. His biggest hopes right now: That the economy will recover and the government will provide immigration reform that allows him to work at a job.
Miriam Reyes is a writer for Impulso.
Photos by Impulso.
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