"I'm going to kill you because you destroyed my life."
Those were the words that Maria Roque says came from her ex-husband and pushed her to get a restraining order against him.
Eventually — after some reluctance — she took the additional step of seeking therapy from experts in the Amanecer Community Counseling Services, a non-profit social-service organization based in Los Angeles.
"I didn't want to come to therapy because I said I'm fine...I don't need to remember the bad times I experienced in my marriage, the domestic violence I experienced," says Roque, an immigrant from Nayarit, Mexico, who now lives in the Highland Park district in Northeast Los Angeles. "What made me change my thinking was when my ex-husband, whose name I don't want to mention, entered my house in the middle of the night and said he was going to kill me. He had something hidden in his hand. I'll never forget his look of hatred."
The incident "triggered many things, especially legally," according to Roque. "We went to court and got a restraining order on him, and I got legal and physical custody of my three children."
Roque's decision to seek the services of Amanecer's domestic violence program led to her recent graduation from the organization's program for victims of domestic violence, a class that include 39 others. Roque said the program and its counseling sessions brought out many contradictory emotions. She says it also helped her to decide to take definitive action on behalf of herself and her children.
"It took me many years to decide that I didn't want that kind of life," Roque says. "It took me a long time. It was 15 years of marriage. The good thing is that I stopped loving him. I said I didn't love him anymore. I don't feel anything for him. I don't want to be here anymore, and even though he kept insisting that we get back together, I never got back together with him again."
Roque says that the domestic violence she experienced in her married life was not physical because her husband never hit her. She says she lived through psychological and emotional abuse, adding that such trauma is also very real.
"It leaves unseen scars, but they are the deepest and they take the most time to disappear," she says. "He would say to me you're fat, you're ugly, you're good for nothing — and his favorite expression was to say to me you're an idiot." And, while her husband never physically abused her, she remained frightened of such treatment among the psychological and emotional torment.
"He has a very bad temper and it was his way of treating people," Roque says. "That was from the beginning of our marriage. It was something that I didn't want to mention before, but he drank a lot. I think he has an alcohol problem and he doesn't want to admit it."
Roque says that the Amanecer program has helped her see life differently. She says that's she's now happy with her life because she has peace and tranquility — and knows that she and her children will be fine.
"I'm happy about the help I got at Amanecer [because] I released all the bad I carried with me," she says. "It's really nice to have someone you can confide in, and I confide a lot in my therapist, a person who listens to you without criticizing, who gives you advice. And now I feel good, I remember that in my first therapies, I would come out crying. I was always crying, crying, crying. Not now. Now I'm laughing. I feel really happy. I'm another person. Now I want to fulfill my dreams. I see everything in a positive light. I know I'm going to achieve it, and that good things will come into my life."
Roque is currently working toward a GED diploma and a course of study on child care. She says she hopes to find work taking care of children up to five years old. She adds that the state-funded CalWorks program is helping her with the studies, and she credits Amanecer with giving her a foundation for confidence and strength.
"Now I'm trying to get my children to get therapy," she says. "Maybe they'll do it later."
How many other victims will be able to get the sort of help that helped Roque remains uncertain because of budget difficulties, according to Tim Ryder, executive director of the organization.
Ryder says that the number of domestic violence cases handled by Amanecer in Los Angeles has increased by more than 10 percent, a hike he attributes in part to the economic recession. The increase means another 10 or 12 families seeking the organization's services, pushing the caseload to well over 100, with Latinos accounting for more than two-thirds of the total.
Ryder says that graduates of the Amanecer program for domestic violence victims typically spend between nine and 18 months in treatment, depending on the individual circumstances of each case. He adds that he's hoping to maintain current service levels in the face of budget shortfalls among public agencies.
"One bit of bad news is that the government may cut the budget granted to this institution due to the economic crisis," Ryder says. "That's why we're going to the foundations and private donors to ask for help."
Amenecer's domestic violence program requires funding of approximately $350,000 per year, according to Ryder, who says the organization's total annual budget is close to $7.5 million. Los Angeles County and various state-funded health programs for adults and children currently provide approximately 95% of the total funding, and those contributions have not been increased in more than eight years, he adds.
The ongoing economic recession has pinched government budgets just as job losses and other factors related to the downturn increase pressure on families. Those sorts of pressures often give rise to domestic violence, which means programs such as Amanecer will likely need more funding to meet the needs of a growing case loads in various programs, including the one for victims of domestic violence.
"The amount they receive is now not enough because the demand for those services has increased," Ryder says, adding that Amanecer representatives hope to double or triple the amount of funds drawn from private donors in order to offset any cutbacks in public money in coming years.
Ryders says that Amanecer's adult assistance program currently has a waiting list of 120 people, while somewhere 75 and 100 are on hold for the organization's children's program.
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that they're going to cut funds for adults this year," Ryder says. "That's why we want to invite the people of Los Angeles to support us because we help improve people's lives, especially Latinos," he said.
Miriam Reyes is a writer for Impulso.
Photos by Impulso.
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